Dear Tsunimee, You are so rigorously self-aware. The corners of my eyes smiled as I read your self-exploration—I’m not sure I know anyone else who can trace a quick, everyday compliment down to the varied psychological roots that feed it. You have a real gift for seeing depth in what others might take for the shallows.
Your observations always feel rooted in a genuine care for people and a broad appreciation of our shared humanity.
I trust that whatever mix of motives led you to offer the compliment, your presence and your words were received as an unanticipated, quiet blessing. In the end, the impact of the gift is what matters most—and if giving it brought a spark of joy to you, too, what could be wrong with that?
Glen, I could not say it any better and agree completely! The self-awareness here is so profound. And we need that so much. Loved this read and your comment!
When I was the fattest person in every room I received complements, from time to time, on my outfit. I shopped in high-end Big and Tall shops. My attempt at being pleasant looking was in my choice of shirts. I didn't wear suits, I had no need to, it was too hot for me most of the year, and I could not afford the tailoring and upkeep of a suit of clothes in those days.
The internal dialog for seeing a big nose might resemble the internal dialog those around me might have been indulging in regarding their discomfort about being near an enormously fat man. Four year-olds would tug at their mother's arms and say "Why is that man so fat?" when they saw me, I knew well the adults were doing the same, but not being verbal within earshot.
I received those complements genuinely. I did have an excellent eye, I know a pleasing pattern when I saw it, and I appreciated careful tailoring of well-made shirts. I also always knew that when they said "You look great!" they were leaving out the "...for an enormously fat guy."
I gobbled up this attention like a starving dog with a soup bone. It did not matter to me what the giver of the compliment was taking care of in themselves, if anything, they had overcome something to deliver it, even if it was ultimately to soothe their own feelings stirred up by my appearance, it still hit like a compliment, and lifted my mood out of the "I am so revolting looking" swamp of self-loathing which I otherwise existed in.
A big nose might not induce the same feelings in it's owner, I dunno. I have an unremarkable nose myself. It may surprise you that I always look for the beauty in ugliness and the ugliness in beauty because I wan to see ALL of the world around, not just just parts which align with my sense of pleasantness.
In my view, as a man who feels visually unattractive (albeit much less so now), a compliment is a compliment, and if you're motivated by taking care of something in yourself too, well, two birds with one stone and all that. I'd be no less pleased with a genuine compliment if I knew you were overcoming feelings you might want to disown by making it. I would congratulate you on the effort. Ugly people have a harder time than pretty people. That's just a fact.
Richard, thank you so much for sharing your experience. I too look for beauty in ugliness. Although really, I'd go further and decentre beauty from our lives entirely, as something we need in order to feel worthy of love.
Now, "When they said 'You look great!' they were leaving out the '...for an enormously fat guy.'" This line made me sad. There's no 'maybe' in it. I don't think you can know that all of them did. You were so generous, imagining what the compliment-giver might have been "taking care of in themselves," but I don't think you extended that same grace to the possibility that some of them weren't managing anything at all. That some of them just saw a shirt they liked, and said so, clean, no asterisk. You gave them the benefit of the doubt. I'd love for you to offer that same doubt the other way too.
I see “beauty” as a notion not singularly about appearance. There’s beauty in someone’s voice (thanks for recording your work again), in their manner of movement/speaking, in their glances, in the concern and care they show others. I don’t know if I possessed any of that kind of beauty earlier in my life because as you note, I did not acknowledge I could.
Funny you should focus so on that. It has been a theme of my shrink’s for literally decades. My first reaction is to cover up, as if I had flashed something inappropriately intimate in my reply, but then I realize it’s you (and other readers), so I don’t care if I did.
I expect your admonition will be perched on my shoulder when I again write on the topic. The very least I can do is give myself the benefit of the doubt.
Thank you for sharing this! And please never stop complimenting strangers -I honestly find it incredibly charming (and very Anglo-Saxon... I've noticed it doesn't quite land the same way in Poland or France haha).
I think there's almost always a "selfish" element in the things we do, but that doesnt mean its a bad thing! Empathy itself relies on us imagining ourselves in someone else's shoes, so of course our own inner world is part of the equation. As long as the intention isn't to manipulate or harm, I don't think the fact that the warmth benefited you as well makes it any less genuine.
Oh wow! Thank you so much for your insight. "I think there's almost always a "selfish" element in the things we do, but that doesn't mean its a bad thing! Empathy itself relies on us imagining ourselves in someone else's shoes, so of course our own inner world is part of the equation. As long as the intention isn't to manipulate or harm, I don't think the fact that the warmth benefited you as well makes it any less genuine." <-- I am going to need to restack this at some point. Love, love, LOVE it ♥
I find this fascinating, and you describe it so well, with such delicacy. I understand exactly what you mean. It's so interesting and I've been thinking about my own mental processes when I observe people (often as I'm surreptitiously sketching them, or if this isn't possible, drawing them in my head). The two thoughts that you had in the lift - are they not simply two honest observations? Only you know if the first one was unpleasant and the second one delightful, but you're being very honest and so I'm sure this is what you felt. The thing is that for me, and this is puzzling - universally, when I'm drawing, subjective judgements just don't enter in to it at all. I find everything delightful. I have no explanation for this. On the surface it seems most peculiar.
The question of whether it's selfish to offer a compliment that only you may know is tainted in its origin - I'd say no. If it's truly felt and truly meant and the outcome is something genuinely enjoyed by both - then wouldn't it be selfish to withhold it?
What a beautiful and sincere analysis of what, to many of us, would just seem like a simple kind gesture. It’s next level self-aware to understand and acknowledge what triggered your compliment. I’m going to pay a little closer attention to my own compliment instigations going forward.
I love the way you analyzed a simple light hearted interaction. It’s very thought provoking. Coming from someone who thinks of compliments and almost never give it for the fear of making another suddenly self conscious, I realize i actually project. When someone compliments me even though i genuinely enjoy it, I can’t shake the feeling of suspicion and self consciousness that arises afterwards. Like if they look long enough, they will see there is nothing really out of the ordinary there 😂 I know, I am working on embracing me and all my glory.
But like the colleague that compliments you in order to recruit you, I know exactly how that feels.
Anyways. I am thinking that in this particular case you wrote about, the compliment did exactly what it was supposed to do, just not in the conventional white and black way humans like to see noble deeds.
You explained that the word compliment comes from a Latin word that means to complete.
Now in this case you made a stranger feel good about something they may or may not have given a thought to before living the house that day. And then for you, your words soothed the unease her appearance caused you.
I know it’s an uncomfortable topic yo admit openly that someone’s feature caused you discomfort but that’s actually a normal reaction. The eyes sees and the brain interprets objectively, so if the brain notes something it considers unusual it will make you feel some type of way about it. What sets you apart is what you choose to do with the discomfort.
In your case, you chose to find a way to sprinkle a little bit of light and joy instead of focusing on the discomfort.
You didn’t act out as a result of the discomfort, you found a way around it.
Bullies tend to do the first.
You made yourself feel good and made the stranger feel good as well.
In my opinion you both felt some sort of completion after that interaction.
A good deed doesn’t always need to be selfless.
Both benefited and that works.
You did an amazing job. There is always beauty to be found if you are keen on finding it.
OMG, thank you so so so much for this thoughtful comment and make me feel better about the interaction. I never actually thought about what motivates a bully to do their bullying. 'There is nothing really out of the ordinary' <-- Oh Cee, if you understood how much we see in you, you'd have such a different opinion of yourself. ^_^ 🌼
You are welcome, you did the deed, I was only acknowledging it. Bullies either usually can’t sit with a discomfort and so it manifests in different ways. At least that’s how I see it.
Thank you too, you and others are amazing and because of that, I am learning to see myself fully.
I love this piece. I think your self awareness is really good as well. I think that the main thing is that you offered the compliment. In a world where compliments become rarer and rarer for a lot of us, what you did probably made that person's day. They may have beem insecure on that day, or may have been struggling or just going about their day and you gave them something to make them smile.
I think that compliments aren't inherently selfish, unless it's basically trying to fish for them ourselves after complimenting someone. Great piece, and thanks for writing it :)
Perhaps a compliment becomes troubling only when it quietly places a debt on the recipient? Your colleague’s praise basically recruited you because it came with an unspoken task attached. The woman in the lift was not required to reassure you, return the compliment or perform gratitude beyond the moment. You may have needed the warmth too, but you did not demand that she provide it. That distinction feels more important to me than whether the impulse was perfectly selfless or not.
Yes, yes, yes. The debt element is such a good point. Thank you for this addition! One day, I needed to show gratitude to someone, a member of staff at the train station. He helped me with an issue, shall we say for short. I wanted to give him chocolates. I chose chocolates that weren't too expensive to reduce the debt and also I left quickly afterwards so that it doesn't put them in too much of an awkward spot to show proportionate gratitude. Now I know the word and it's debt. Thank you :) ♥
That is such a good example because you were thinking not only about how to express your gratitude, but also about how easily he could receive it!
I once gave our postman chocolates at Christmas and accidentally created exactly the kind of debt we are talking about. The next time we met, he felt compelled to bring me chocolates too, which was genuinely sweet, but he also gave me his private phone number. I suddenly realised that I had apparently communicated far more than simply, “Thank you for delivering our post.”
It is strange how a small gift can open an entire social script that the giver never intended ♥
The way you think about others, and explore yourself, and then how we all are together is a remarkable talent and more importantly immeasurably valuable to the communities in which you walk, including here. Thank you so very much for this!
Volunteering to help others makes volunteers feel good. It also helps others. Sometimes two way streets are just that. I think it’s ok to let people know in a kind way you see past the nose. She knows about her nose. She’s worried about it her whole life. We have an analogous feature, inside or out. And are happy when people make an effort. 🫶🫶
Thank you so so so much. This makes me feel better about the whole interaction. You're right. She knows about the nose, she knows it so well and it's nice to have people see you differently as just a walking nose ♥
Dear Tsunimee, You are so rigorously self-aware. The corners of my eyes smiled as I read your self-exploration—I’m not sure I know anyone else who can trace a quick, everyday compliment down to the varied psychological roots that feed it. You have a real gift for seeing depth in what others might take for the shallows.
Your observations always feel rooted in a genuine care for people and a broad appreciation of our shared humanity.
I trust that whatever mix of motives led you to offer the compliment, your presence and your words were received as an unanticipated, quiet blessing. In the end, the impact of the gift is what matters most—and if giving it brought a spark of joy to you, too, what could be wrong with that?
What a sweet comment, Glen. Thank you so much for your kind words! 🌞
Glen, I could not say it any better and agree completely! The self-awareness here is so profound. And we need that so much. Loved this read and your comment!
When I was the fattest person in every room I received complements, from time to time, on my outfit. I shopped in high-end Big and Tall shops. My attempt at being pleasant looking was in my choice of shirts. I didn't wear suits, I had no need to, it was too hot for me most of the year, and I could not afford the tailoring and upkeep of a suit of clothes in those days.
The internal dialog for seeing a big nose might resemble the internal dialog those around me might have been indulging in regarding their discomfort about being near an enormously fat man. Four year-olds would tug at their mother's arms and say "Why is that man so fat?" when they saw me, I knew well the adults were doing the same, but not being verbal within earshot.
I received those complements genuinely. I did have an excellent eye, I know a pleasing pattern when I saw it, and I appreciated careful tailoring of well-made shirts. I also always knew that when they said "You look great!" they were leaving out the "...for an enormously fat guy."
I gobbled up this attention like a starving dog with a soup bone. It did not matter to me what the giver of the compliment was taking care of in themselves, if anything, they had overcome something to deliver it, even if it was ultimately to soothe their own feelings stirred up by my appearance, it still hit like a compliment, and lifted my mood out of the "I am so revolting looking" swamp of self-loathing which I otherwise existed in.
A big nose might not induce the same feelings in it's owner, I dunno. I have an unremarkable nose myself. It may surprise you that I always look for the beauty in ugliness and the ugliness in beauty because I wan to see ALL of the world around, not just just parts which align with my sense of pleasantness.
In my view, as a man who feels visually unattractive (albeit much less so now), a compliment is a compliment, and if you're motivated by taking care of something in yourself too, well, two birds with one stone and all that. I'd be no less pleased with a genuine compliment if I knew you were overcoming feelings you might want to disown by making it. I would congratulate you on the effort. Ugly people have a harder time than pretty people. That's just a fact.
Richard, thank you so much for sharing your experience. I too look for beauty in ugliness. Although really, I'd go further and decentre beauty from our lives entirely, as something we need in order to feel worthy of love.
Now, "When they said 'You look great!' they were leaving out the '...for an enormously fat guy.'" This line made me sad. There's no 'maybe' in it. I don't think you can know that all of them did. You were so generous, imagining what the compliment-giver might have been "taking care of in themselves," but I don't think you extended that same grace to the possibility that some of them weren't managing anything at all. That some of them just saw a shirt they liked, and said so, clean, no asterisk. You gave them the benefit of the doubt. I'd love for you to offer that same doubt the other way too.
Thank you so much again :)
I see “beauty” as a notion not singularly about appearance. There’s beauty in someone’s voice (thanks for recording your work again), in their manner of movement/speaking, in their glances, in the concern and care they show others. I don’t know if I possessed any of that kind of beauty earlier in my life because as you note, I did not acknowledge I could.
Funny you should focus so on that. It has been a theme of my shrink’s for literally decades. My first reaction is to cover up, as if I had flashed something inappropriately intimate in my reply, but then I realize it’s you (and other readers), so I don’t care if I did.
I expect your admonition will be perched on my shoulder when I again write on the topic. The very least I can do is give myself the benefit of the doubt.
Perched and sharpened. 😁
Thank you for sharing this! And please never stop complimenting strangers -I honestly find it incredibly charming (and very Anglo-Saxon... I've noticed it doesn't quite land the same way in Poland or France haha).
I think there's almost always a "selfish" element in the things we do, but that doesnt mean its a bad thing! Empathy itself relies on us imagining ourselves in someone else's shoes, so of course our own inner world is part of the equation. As long as the intention isn't to manipulate or harm, I don't think the fact that the warmth benefited you as well makes it any less genuine.
Oh wow! Thank you so much for your insight. "I think there's almost always a "selfish" element in the things we do, but that doesn't mean its a bad thing! Empathy itself relies on us imagining ourselves in someone else's shoes, so of course our own inner world is part of the equation. As long as the intention isn't to manipulate or harm, I don't think the fact that the warmth benefited you as well makes it any less genuine." <-- I am going to need to restack this at some point. Love, love, LOVE it ♥
Awww thank you so much!! That’s so sweet
I find this fascinating, and you describe it so well, with such delicacy. I understand exactly what you mean. It's so interesting and I've been thinking about my own mental processes when I observe people (often as I'm surreptitiously sketching them, or if this isn't possible, drawing them in my head). The two thoughts that you had in the lift - are they not simply two honest observations? Only you know if the first one was unpleasant and the second one delightful, but you're being very honest and so I'm sure this is what you felt. The thing is that for me, and this is puzzling - universally, when I'm drawing, subjective judgements just don't enter in to it at all. I find everything delightful. I have no explanation for this. On the surface it seems most peculiar.
The question of whether it's selfish to offer a compliment that only you may know is tainted in its origin - I'd say no. If it's truly felt and truly meant and the outcome is something genuinely enjoyed by both - then wouldn't it be selfish to withhold it?
Thank you Deborah, that means a lot. And I think you're right. Withholding it probably is the more selfish move.
What a beautiful and sincere analysis of what, to many of us, would just seem like a simple kind gesture. It’s next level self-aware to understand and acknowledge what triggered your compliment. I’m going to pay a little closer attention to my own compliment instigations going forward.
Thank you so much. Oooh, so spill the beans if you come across interesting findings. I am invested :)
I love the way you analyzed a simple light hearted interaction. It’s very thought provoking. Coming from someone who thinks of compliments and almost never give it for the fear of making another suddenly self conscious, I realize i actually project. When someone compliments me even though i genuinely enjoy it, I can’t shake the feeling of suspicion and self consciousness that arises afterwards. Like if they look long enough, they will see there is nothing really out of the ordinary there 😂 I know, I am working on embracing me and all my glory.
But like the colleague that compliments you in order to recruit you, I know exactly how that feels.
Anyways. I am thinking that in this particular case you wrote about, the compliment did exactly what it was supposed to do, just not in the conventional white and black way humans like to see noble deeds.
You explained that the word compliment comes from a Latin word that means to complete.
Now in this case you made a stranger feel good about something they may or may not have given a thought to before living the house that day. And then for you, your words soothed the unease her appearance caused you.
I know it’s an uncomfortable topic yo admit openly that someone’s feature caused you discomfort but that’s actually a normal reaction. The eyes sees and the brain interprets objectively, so if the brain notes something it considers unusual it will make you feel some type of way about it. What sets you apart is what you choose to do with the discomfort.
In your case, you chose to find a way to sprinkle a little bit of light and joy instead of focusing on the discomfort.
You didn’t act out as a result of the discomfort, you found a way around it.
Bullies tend to do the first.
You made yourself feel good and made the stranger feel good as well.
In my opinion you both felt some sort of completion after that interaction.
A good deed doesn’t always need to be selfless.
Both benefited and that works.
You did an amazing job. There is always beauty to be found if you are keen on finding it.
OMG, thank you so so so much for this thoughtful comment and make me feel better about the interaction. I never actually thought about what motivates a bully to do their bullying. 'There is nothing really out of the ordinary' <-- Oh Cee, if you understood how much we see in you, you'd have such a different opinion of yourself. ^_^ 🌼
You are welcome, you did the deed, I was only acknowledging it. Bullies either usually can’t sit with a discomfort and so it manifests in different ways. At least that’s how I see it.
Thank you too, you and others are amazing and because of that, I am learning to see myself fully.
I love this piece. I think your self awareness is really good as well. I think that the main thing is that you offered the compliment. In a world where compliments become rarer and rarer for a lot of us, what you did probably made that person's day. They may have beem insecure on that day, or may have been struggling or just going about their day and you gave them something to make them smile.
I think that compliments aren't inherently selfish, unless it's basically trying to fish for them ourselves after complimenting someone. Great piece, and thanks for writing it :)
Thank you for the love, Harry. And such a good point about fishing for compliments! x
Perhaps a compliment becomes troubling only when it quietly places a debt on the recipient? Your colleague’s praise basically recruited you because it came with an unspoken task attached. The woman in the lift was not required to reassure you, return the compliment or perform gratitude beyond the moment. You may have needed the warmth too, but you did not demand that she provide it. That distinction feels more important to me than whether the impulse was perfectly selfless or not.
Yes, yes, yes. The debt element is such a good point. Thank you for this addition! One day, I needed to show gratitude to someone, a member of staff at the train station. He helped me with an issue, shall we say for short. I wanted to give him chocolates. I chose chocolates that weren't too expensive to reduce the debt and also I left quickly afterwards so that it doesn't put them in too much of an awkward spot to show proportionate gratitude. Now I know the word and it's debt. Thank you :) ♥
That is such a good example because you were thinking not only about how to express your gratitude, but also about how easily he could receive it!
I once gave our postman chocolates at Christmas and accidentally created exactly the kind of debt we are talking about. The next time we met, he felt compelled to bring me chocolates too, which was genuinely sweet, but he also gave me his private phone number. I suddenly realised that I had apparently communicated far more than simply, “Thank you for delivering our post.”
It is strange how a small gift can open an entire social script that the giver never intended ♥
The way you think about others, and explore yourself, and then how we all are together is a remarkable talent and more importantly immeasurably valuable to the communities in which you walk, including here. Thank you so very much for this!
Thank you so much for your kind words, Ben 🥺
Volunteering to help others makes volunteers feel good. It also helps others. Sometimes two way streets are just that. I think it’s ok to let people know in a kind way you see past the nose. She knows about her nose. She’s worried about it her whole life. We have an analogous feature, inside or out. And are happy when people make an effort. 🫶🫶
Thank you so so so much. This makes me feel better about the whole interaction. You're right. She knows about the nose, she knows it so well and it's nice to have people see you differently as just a walking nose ♥